Never one for spontaneous adventure, I’ve always researched and planned before going out and doing things. The thing about death is that even when you see it coming, all the planning in the world still won’t make you feel any better.
And I didn’t see it coming. Unexpected tragedy completely flipped my world upside down and I’m left hanging on by a thread. But don’t you worry, I’ve read at least 5 books on grief, survival, signs from the afterlife, you name it. I’ve also read countless articles, blog posts and words of wisdom from people who have “been there” so I can prepare myself for the horrible things to come. Unfortunately, besides the reassurances that everybody grieves differently and there is no real timeline, I’ve come up pretty empty handed.
I really want to do this whole thing the “right” way. I wanted his funeral service to be done right. (How the hell am I supposed to know what he wanted? He was 33…we didn’t talk about that!) I want to do right by him, forever. I wanted that while he was living and now, more than ever, I need it to happen now that he has passed.
I really have never cared much about what other people thought of me. Only a select few opinions ever have, and his was one of them. But I’m terrified that someone on the outside is going to see me, returning to work a week and a half after my life partner died and actually smiling/laughing a few times throughout the day and be immediately shunned. “Oh, she must not have really loved him.” And “I would never be able to carry on like that so quickly” are what I assume people are thinking. So then I question myself: am I doing this right? Should I be crying more? Why am I not staying in bed all day looking at old photographs of our life together?
Well, people, as you undoubtedly know, there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a loved one. I very well may end up in bed all day somewhere down the line. But for now, I really just need to focus on this weird thing called survival. That wake up, roll out of bed, put some clothes on and somehow make it through the day kind of survival. There is not a minute that goes by when I’m not reminded of something ridiculous that Josh said or did, my unending love for him and the fact that he is no longer here physically. Jury is still out on what his “spirit” is doing. Avoiding my crazy brain for right now, that’s for sure. But I hope he will be back and that he will help me navigate this journey where our life together somehow became my life alone again.
But until I can get some kind of guidance from the other side or deep within my own soul… I will continue to read the books, the blogs and the personal stories of those around me. I’m grasping at straws here people, and information is my “safe place” – so please, don’t hesitate to provide whatever you think might help. But also don’t be offended if I’m not quite (or never) ready to follow the path that you think I should be on.