You can come back now…

Today was a good day… or at least it started out as a good day. I was able to reconnect with a mentor of Josh’s from when he was in paramedic school and am really looking forward to continuing to keep in contact with him. Josh always talked very highly of him and I always really enjoyed being around him. Remembering those days, however sleep-deprived and stressful they may have sometimes been, really makes me happy. And I need that. I need to remember things that make me happy.

Of course, as is the norm for my life these past few weeks, a good day rarely lasts the entire day. A sadness hit me right about the time I was finishing up with work. Perhaps it was because I was no longer able to focus on our patients and helping them to get better, I now had to start focusing on my own life again. Just as this funk settled into my bones, a missed call and voicemail appeared on my husband’s phone. Someone was contacting him to be a reference for his best friend for a job this friend had applied for. Well, crap. Just another reminder of something he is now unable to do. And another awkward phone call that I have to make to let them know why he won’t be calling them back. Of course, I wanted to call them so that I could potentially be a reference for this very deserving man, but very rarely are the phone calls that I return ones that I want to complete. For every doctor appointment reminder that I have to call and cancel, another piece of my soul vanishes away. Every time another reminder of my loss comes in, I pray that it is the last one. I know that I will never be so lucky. Phone calls may come in for years… but the reminders will last a lifetime. I look in the mirror and see the grief, the pain, the exhaustion written all over my face. I throw a pity party for one at least twenty times a day. I know that I’m not the only one to ever lose a spouse. I know that I’m not the only one suffering from the loss of this amazing man. But I do know that nobody could possibly understand the pain that I am feeling. I know that nobody else will ever know the horrors of the last nine months. And nobody will ever comprehend just how much I sincerely loved, cared for and lived for this man. He was my whole world, my whole life and now my life is nothing. I am literally trying to rebuild my future but my heart is stuck in the past.

It’s so strange how it still feels like he will be home soon. Five weeks, it’s been… the longest we ever spent apart was two weeks. But it still feels like yesterday that my husband came home, raspy voice from throwing up all day, making some weird jokes and some inappropriate comments and going upstairs to relax from a long week at work by taking a bath. How is it possible that the most important part of my life just vanished? I am surrounded by his possessions, surrounded by memories of places that we visited and purchases that we made together, but the life behind all of those things is gone. Right now, the feeling behind all of those things is gone, too. I am so very hopeful that the feelings come back. To be honest, I’m also hopeful that this is all some cruel joke and that my husband will come back too. But my logical brain knows that I don’t stand a chance in that department. I want to look at photos and remember those days fondly. I want the pain to stop.

So, yeah…. today started out as a good day… that went so terribly wrong. Sound familiar?

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