The journey continues

It’s been almost a week since having my personal space violated and precious items stolen. I’m doing okay with it, resigned to the fact that I will never see those things again. But as I’m learning to keep things in perspective I have to remember that it could have been much worse. 

After that slight derailment, I am back on the train of self-discovery. This is a very challenging journey since I can’t quite see all the pieces and am struggling putting the ones that I have together. That being said, it is pretty fun. I enjoy a challenge – it is sort of like a game with a really rewarding outcome. I’m playing for the championship, not a participation trophy here! This trip does come with plenty of difficulties, though. It isn’t easy trying to make sense of why I do what I do, think the way I think, etc. Many people wouldn’t last a minute in my head – there are always at least three different conversations happening simultaneously and the tangents they go off on are sometimes ridiculous. But that’s just the way I am. 

I am learning to embrace more of who I am instead of judging myself. I have been told many times about traits that I have that people don’t like. They present it in this joking manner, but I can see it written all over their face and in their tone of voice. Know what I have to say to that? Not my problem. I don’t need people who can’t appreciate who I am as a person. Not everybody is going to like me – and I don’t like that, but I’m okay with it. I have never and will never change the core of who I am just so that someone else can be comfortable being around me. 

I know that I am 100% real. I am open and honest about my thoughts and opinions when asked. And I stand my ground when someone tries to challenge me. I am willing to discuss and open to different viewpoints, but if I have enough experience and facts to back myself up, I’m not going to budge. I won’t be bullied (excuse me, peer pressured) into doing anything that I don’t want to do. I’m sorry if you think that I’m too serious and that I can’t have any fun (just kidding, not sorry) – I’m actually pretty awesome and I find myself hilarious. 

People as a whole just want immediate gratification and I am incapable of offering that. I do not know how to sugar coat things – and I don’t want to learn. I believe that if you try to put any kind of spin on something, you take away it’s truth. And people deserve the truth. It’s all in the way that you present it – that is what determines how the person will take it. 

I just had a friend tell me the other day that I would drop everything to help anyone that I care about, but if you do something to end up on my “shit list” then good luck. Yep, that’s true. You’re gonna have to find help somewhere else. 

Who I am is who I am. I make no apologies for it. I prefer to think of myself as a realist. I am not inherently optimistic and I am not solely pessimistic. Sure, I have bad days where I can only see out of my negative lenses but stick around because I have some pretty awesome rose-colored ones as well. 

I love to help the people I love and care about. Seeing them succeed and be happy is what makes me happy. I’m working on sharing the same joy with seeing myself succeed and be happy. Actually, I’m really work on just being able to see my successes and happiness period. I’ll get there. 

I have a very loud negative self-talk voice in my head. I don’t understand how I can be so positive and motivating for other people and then turn to myself and all I can hear is “you’re not ____ enough”. I am pretty horrible to myself. But the first step is admitting! 🙂

I just saw an episode of The Mindy Project (don’t judge – it’s mindless television) where the main character is hearing “voices” of her ex criticizing her. Her mom ends up basically saying “Mindy has always been critical of herself, and for a long time, she let Danny take over the role of the critical voice in her life. Now that he’s gone, she’s hungering for someone to tell her she’s not good enough.” (I took that straight from entertainmentweekly.com) I can’t help but feel a little like she was talking about me, too. Now this is not to negate all of the positive, wonderful things Josh also said to me but when he was struggling with his own insecurities he would project them onto me and point out my shortcomings as he perceived them. I never stopped being hard on myself though. So I have found that now, with him gone, I am being doubly hard on myself. I have taken on my own negative self-talk and added to it all of the things that Josh used to point out. No wonder I’m in such a bad place mentally!

But I am working on remembering that he only said those things out of hurt, anger and fear. And that despite what he didn’t like about me, there was so much more that he loved. Nobody is perfect (but I try really hard!) and there is no way anyone will like every single thing about you. If they do, one of you isn’t being honest. 

So here is to another step forward to make up for the two I lost last week. 

Take a minute today, think about whether or not you present to the world your authentic self. I love when people can be real and I can spot a fake a mile away. Be you – someone out there needs to see it!

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