I’ve been doing pretty well lately, really embracing the opportunity to learn about myself and trying to become the person that I was born to be. A lot of my posts have been written with more of a positive undertone. Well, it’s time to lay out the truth. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns, my friends.
The following is from a message that I sent to someone that I have grown to really trust. She is one of my most supportive confidants right now. I considered writing this in a post initially, but at the time I needed to send it to someone who I knew would respond. But now it’s time to be real with everyone. (In the spirit of true honesty, I did remove a few sentences that were not necessary to the message)
“I was just hit by a ton of bricks this evening. More specifically, my brain said this: “He’s really not coming back, is he?” And then my heart said: “I’m afraid not.”
End of conversation. This is not the way my life was supposed to turn out. I do not deserve this kind of pain and it really isn’t fair. I could just be my normal tough girl self and say life isn’t fair for anyone and there are plenty of people in worse situations than you. But today, I don’t care about those people. I care about me. And him. And I really can’t believe that I’m having to do all of this stuff without him. Shitty.
Tonight, I am hurting. And I am embracing the pain. And while I’m grateful to have loved so much, I cannot fathom going through this ever again.
It’s a damn good thing I’m so “strong” or whatever people keep telling me. Love and loss; not for the faint of heart.”
So there you have it. To be expected, of course, I am suffering. Such a tremendous loss befitting of such a tremendous love.
People kept telling me that the holidays would be the hardest. I braced myself for the pain. Thanksgiving was no problem. But when you are in a relationship with a firefighter, you are pretty used to spending holidays without them. I am certain that Christmas will also be fine. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was to be hit by such pain by the “process” of Christmas. Friday night I almost cried in the middle of an outdoor mall. I had just gone to the Hallmark store and purchased this year’s fire engine ornament. This is the first year that we didn’t get to do this together. I also bought a remembrance ornament and this year it was a sand dollar. So fitting as it reminds me of our trips to Florida and how at peace Josh always was around water.
Every year I would decorate our house and buy creative, thoughtful gifts for him. I went “all out” for Christmas because it was so important to him. It’s never really mattered much to me. And now, with all of our Christmas decorations packed away and no room to really put anything out anyway, I am truly feeling abandoned.
I will never again get to see his face as he comes home to see the decorations. I will never again get to see the joy as he puts out his most prized ornaments. I will never again get to watch the bewilderment as he behaves like a five year old and tries to guess what is in each gift! All of these memories make me smile. And they make me tear up. I can’t believe that everything this holiday stands for I finally found in my Joshua…and I’ve lost it all.
So, there it is. While I’m working on discovering myself and my purpose, I am still battling the grief and the sadness. I cry a little bit most days. I never know what random memory will overtake me at any given moment.
This is life. This is love. This is loss.