50/50. Always. 

Somewhere early on in our relationship I came across a page in a book that intrigued me. I consider books to be my friends, so this is nothing new and I will never be able to remember which book it was but after reading it I brought up the subject with Josh. 

The passage said something about the love in a relationship not always being 50/50; sometimes it would be 60/40, sometimes even 80/20. But the point is to keep working together and pushing through and things would even back out again. 

Well, Josh was not on board with that idea. He wanted us to always be at 50/50. I loved that about him. It wasn’t long after that conversation that he started signing his cards with 50/50 and sending me text messages saying the same thing. My response, every time, was: always. To me, it was a commitment to always trying, to loving through the ups and downs of life. 

When Josh proposed to me, he showed me the inside of the ring that he had made. Engraved inside was 50/50 with little diamonds as the zeroes. That is my absolute favorite part of the ring. The thoughtfulness that went along with everything that he did just fills me with so much love and so much joy. Not many people know this, I’m not even sure if he really did, but on his wedding ring I had them engrave always inside the band in my handwriting. Those two sentences were all I ever needed to get through a day. Josh and I – at our strongest – could conquer the world. 

When I lost my other half, I literally lost the other 50. I still, at this very minute, question his 50. And I know he is out in the universe somewhere yelling at me for doing that. But I can’t help it. I can’t feel his love anymore, so I’m stuck at a 100/0. Let me tell you, that hurts. And I’m doing it to myself. Unfortunately, that’s just who I am – I question everything. I need him to tell me one last time that we are 50/50. I need to tell him one last time that it will always be that way. 

I think I struggle with it so much because for probably the last 6-7 months that Josh was alive, we were rarely 50/50. It was far more often 80/20, sometimes even 90/10. If I’m being completely honest, sometimes it was even 60/10. That’s not even 100%. While Josh was fighting battles with his recovery, PTSD, legal trouble, losing many friendships, etc. I was carrying a lot of the love load for our relationship. I’m not angry or bitter and I would do it again in a heartbeat. That’s life, that’s a true relationship. When one person is struggling, the other person has to shoulder the heavier load. Eventually things even back out and sometimes the other person has to carry more for a while. 

Nobody is perfect and it is impossible to get through this life unscathed. It’s the ebb and flow of life and the ebb and flow of love. Do me a favor, though. Even if things aren’t 50/50 right in this moment, tell your other half that you love them. You never know what could happen and you don’t want them questioning your love in the end. 

I have a text from Josh that he sent either late July or early August that says “I love you. I’m sorry” to which I replied “I know you do. I love you too” and then he said “No matter what…do not forget that.”

So I try to remember, every single day. Some days I succeed, some days I’m not as convinced. 

On the days I really struggle, I make wishes. Every day when I drive to work I pass under a long underpass. The kind where, as kids, we were told that if you can hold your breath the whole time and make a wish, the wish will come true. Well, every single day I wish for something. Some days it is to know my husband loved me, some days it is to feel his love, sometimes I wish for a sign, sometimes to know whether or not he is mad/proud/etc. I don’t always see the answer, but somehow I know he hears me. Somehow I know he gets pissed every time I ask if he loves me. 

And that alone, sometimes, can make me smile. Because that’s part of being in a 50/50. You get to piss the other person off once in a while and because they love you, they will take it. 

I love you, J. 50/50. Always. ❤️

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