I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

In this moment my heart is equally full of joy and sadness. 

I am torn. I feel so strongly the pull, the need and the desire to embrace life and live freely and fully. On the other hand I feel the pain, the grief, the overwhelming sorrow. I can literally feel my heart cry out with each mournful beat. 

I am consumed with what feels like anxiety. But I only feel it in my heart and it’s hard to breathe. Usually when I feel anxious I also feel it in my stomach as well. This is strange. 

I want to be the shining example of hope and inspiration. But I also want to be real and honest. I say all kinds of encouraging things. And I mean them. But I don’t mean them for me. 

I feel like I’m living a double life. 

I feel alone. And I feel lonely. I am missing the one person I could always count on to be texting me – even if it was about things I didn’t like. I am missing having someone sit next to me on the couch – even if I had to watch dumb shows. I am missing going to bed with my head on one shoulder and my hand holding the other – holding closely the only person brave enough to take a chance on me. 

I feel supported and I feel abandoned. I feel loved and I feel like worthless garbage. I feel happy and I feel unbearably sad. 

I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who I want to become. I have trust issues. I have low self-esteem. I get angry when people I care about can’t see how wonderful they are, but I regularly fail to see any worth in myself. 

I am strong on the outside. I am broken into a million pieces on the inside. 

I’m a mess. 

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One thought on “I am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

  1. Emily,

    People in your position need to know that Cognitive Dissonance is normal at times when the brain is trying to make sense of stuff.

    Also, the feeling in your stomach is again normal because the way the body works is when you are anxious the HPA axis, flight/fight/freeze releases hormones which affects our digestive system.

    The great thing here is you are sharing your thoughts rather than hiding them. Bravo

    Like

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