In this moment my heart is equally full of joy and sadness.
I am torn. I feel so strongly the pull, the need and the desire to embrace life and live freely and fully. On the other hand I feel the pain, the grief, the overwhelming sorrow. I can literally feel my heart cry out with each mournful beat.
I am consumed with what feels like anxiety. But I only feel it in my heart and it’s hard to breathe. Usually when I feel anxious I also feel it in my stomach as well. This is strange.
I want to be the shining example of hope and inspiration. But I also want to be real and honest. I say all kinds of encouraging things. And I mean them. But I don’t mean them for me.
I feel like I’m living a double life.
I feel alone. And I feel lonely. I am missing the one person I could always count on to be texting me – even if it was about things I didn’t like. I am missing having someone sit next to me on the couch – even if I had to watch dumb shows. I am missing going to bed with my head on one shoulder and my hand holding the other – holding closely the only person brave enough to take a chance on me.
I feel supported and I feel abandoned. I feel loved and I feel like worthless garbage. I feel happy and I feel unbearably sad.
I have no idea who I am. I have no idea who I want to become. I have trust issues. I have low self-esteem. I get angry when people I care about can’t see how wonderful they are, but I regularly fail to see any worth in myself.
I am strong on the outside. I am broken into a million pieces on the inside.
I’m a mess.