Five months already?

These past five months have easily been simulateneously the fastest and slowest five months of my life. I can’t believe that so much (and yet so little) time has passed since we had our last conversation. Five months since I last saw your beautiful, blue eyes. Since I last heard your strong, albeit usually sad at this point, voice. Five whole months since I had to make some of the most painful phone calls. I took it upon myself to let our people know that one of my life’s most precious gifts was gone forever. The panic that I felt when I found you, lips blue, on the floor. The instinct that immediately took over sending me into life-saving mode. The exasperation with the paramedics who were taking so long to bring my husband back to me. (It was probably a lot less time than it felt like, let’s be honest) The urgency I felt trying to contact someone to come to the hospital because I knew, no matter the result, I wasn’t prepared to do it alone. The out of body experience when the doctor and nurse came in to tell me they did everything they could to no avail. The heartbreak as I had to break the news to loved ones and friends while his body lie waiting for me to say my goodbyes because it didn’t seem fair that they go on another minute still thinking he was with us. The emptiness (also known as shock) I carried around the hospital moving like a zombie through the hallways. The bargaining I went through to decide how long to stay with him because I knew if I didn’t give myself a time limit, I might never leave. The hurt, anger and turmoil I felt as the police took it upon themselves to photograph the “scene” and then come back a few hours later wanting to look around again…I felt like we were still being treated as criminals, even if it was standard parts of the job. 

All of that happened over the span of five hours. 

Five months later and I still remember every single emotion as if it were just yesterday. I can recall the physical manifestation of every single moment. I don’t know if that memory will ever fade. I don’t know if I want it to. 

On that note, I’ll leave you with a little something I wrote the other day:

My heart breaks a little more each day that I wake up without you here

I know you haven’t left me, though, for I still feel you near
Do you see me drag my feet and suffer through each day?

Do you want to talk to me? There has to be a way. 
I see the signs you send me, I look at them and smile

But I want to hear your voice again, it’s been quite a while. 
Are you mad at me, my love, for not embracing life?

I want to, you know, my dear, but I can’t see past the strife
Our life was far from perfect but you were made for me

I did every thing I could for you

Sweetheart did you see?
Did you know I put my life on hold?

I wanted to save you

We were supposed to live happily forever, together we’d grow old

Before that could happen, though, there were a few things we had to do
You suffered long enough, sweet man

Your silence screamed your pain

Did you know I was your biggest fan?

I won’t let your life be remembered in vain
I miss you every day

I talk to you all the time

Please continue to show me the way

Let me know that finding happiness is not a crime
I’m so sad that you’ve left me

But I’m glad to have had the chance

To get to know someone like you

To have lived out our life dance
I’ll see you on the other side

Please save a seat for me

But until my time is up on Earth

I hope to meet you in my dreams. 
Emily Agruss

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