Here it is, the first “first” that I’ve truly dreaded. I’m not big on holidays, I’m not even much of a birthday person…but today is the first day that is solely about him. Today is Joshua’s birthday. He would be 34.
If I had known that his last birthday would be the last chance that I got to celebrate his arrival into this world, I would have done things differently. Josh didn’t want to do anything for his birthday last year, he was too distraught with losing his job/ability to provide for our family, facing criminal charges, and trying to focus on outpatient rehab. He didn’t see any reason to celebrate. So we didn’t.
I wish I had ignored him. I wish I had done at least a little something. Months from now when my memory starts working again, I may remember that I did. But right now, I’m pretty sure that the day passed without much more than me saying Happy Birthday and him grunting an acknowledgment.
That makes me so sad. The fact that today has come so quickly and I’m left to celebrate a man’s life that ended too soon instead of celebrate the continuation of it is devastating. I could barely make it through yesterday, I could hardly sleep last night. I purchased a birthday card, some of his favorite treats, a cookie cake and will be sending balloons out into the sky for him. It’s like I feel the need to pretend that he is still here. I need to go through the motions of celebrating his birthday. So that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I’m headed down south this morning to spend the weekend and celebrate with our friends who are more like family. I cannot think of a better way to honor him than to remember his existence so fondly and to celebrate his life with people we loved.
Happy Birthday Joshua! You are loved, cherished and missed more than I ever dreamed possible. Please come to your party today. Your presence is highly requested. I love you forever. 50/50. Always. ❤
Please take a moment today to remember such a wonderful soul. Tell him happy birthday. Do something in his honor. Joshua had so much love to give – I am lucky to have been a recipient.
Tell me what you did for him or share a memory you have in the comments here or on Facebook. 🎂🎈🎁