You gotta feel the feelings to live the life

Have you ever been driving down the road, minding your own damn business when a memory sneaks in and hijacks your brain? And when that memory sneaks in, it kind of makes you laugh a little bit? And then suddenly you are chuckling to yourself? And then just as quickly, you find yourself sobbing?

No?

Oh. 

Guess it’s just me. 

Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m not alone – but I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have felt like I am. 

So, today, as I was driving to work and singing along to whatever was playing on my iHeart Radio app and my brain starts doing what it always does: wandering. And, as usual, in pops my handsome husband. I stumbled upon a memory that I frequently visit and make fun of him for…

Josh always thought he was pulling a fast one on me, but I am way smarter than he gave me credit for πŸ˜‰. Anytime something came up that Josh didn’t really want to do, he would ask me to do it. But the kicker was, he always used the line “you do it better” πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„. Ninety percent of the time, he was right. Haha. I pay meticulous attention to detail and I have a vast array of abilities. But literally the only reason he said that was because he didn’t really want to do whatever it was. 

So there I was, laughing to myself about how smooth he thought he was being when BAM! tears. And not just a little eye leakage, full on sobs. You ever try to drive on the expressway while simultaneously bawling your eyes out? I don’t recommend it. 

And by the time I was able to compose myself, I settled on the idea that this is my life now. The smallest things can both send me into a fit of laughter or reduce me to tears. And I’m completely okay with that. 

Laughing and crying are equally cleansing for the soul. It may not feel like it wherever you are at in your journey right now, but trust me – from someone who has resisted emotional responses for most of her life – let yourself feel the feelings that come. I feel emotionally exhausted afterwards, but I also feel renewed. 

I miss my Joshua more than I ever imagined possible. His silly antics and his fluctuating moods made him who he was. And I loved who he was. Unconditionally. Well, actually… I still do. I always will. 

So from here on out, I promise you that I will let the emotions wash over me. I will embrace the laughter, the fits of giggles and the happy memories. I will appreciate the tears, the overwhelming sadness and the painful memories. I will take every moment as it comes and try to always remain in the present. 

Will you do the same?

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