Sunday morning I went out for a training run. I am not a runner, I am trying to like it but it has never been my thing. However, the more I train, the more I am finding the running to be healing. My mind is able to work through things while my body is busy propelling me perpetually forward.
This particular day, I took a path that I knew would lead me down memory lane. It was a place that Josh took me when we first started dating. It was the first place that I was able to see who he really was deep down at his core. He was a nature lover, a playful soul and he really enjoyed taking photos. I ran past the small pond with the beautiful bridge. It was late summer when I visited that place with him so it was infested by mosquitoes. But even then, I could see the beauty. I ran past the tree that he climbed and then dangled from upside down like a monkey. I ran past the place where we took our very first picture together. Both of us made silly faces, but neither of us knew until we looked at the picture. Those are the memories I cherish.
Reliving those moments makes me yearn that much more to have that man by my side. Facing the nuances of the outside world – together. As a team.
So for the first half of the run, I looked for him. I checked all of the trees and scoped out the skies for a sign of him hanging around. Helping me get through.
It wasn’t until I was finished with the running and walking the path back to my car that I had an epiphany. It was as though, suddenly, everything became very quiet and very still. The clouds in my mind parted and I found what I had been searching for with the most clarity and certainty that I had ever felt.
And in that moment, I was so grateful to have my phone with me so that I could put words to the wonderful change that was taking place inside my mind and inside my heart:
“And as I looked all around searching for a glimpse of you I finally realized that you were all around me. I don’t need a sign, a symbol of your presence. You are ever present. You are living on inside of me. You are a part of every thing that I do.
For the first time, I felt whole again. Because you never left me. You didn’t abandon me. Your physical body is no more, but your spirit is in every breeze that brushes my cheek, every bird that sings outside my window, every ray of sun that warms me – body, heart and soul.
I will still look for our signs. I hope to still catch glimpses of the conversations we have each day.
But I no longer need them. I no longer feel as though I won’t survive without a clear representation of you showing up every day.
Because you didn’t go anywhere. We are eternally connected. The string from my soul to yours just got a little longer, that’s all.”
Within a matter of moments, everything changed. I can feel him in my heart. I can identify his role in the silly, strange and unexplainable things that happen every day. He is everywhere.
Your person is everywhere.
I didn’t think I had it in me to quiet my mind enough to feel my soul. But I did. And I am learning how to revisit it. Because my soul is forever entangled with his. And when I can feel me, I can feel him.
That is everything I have been asking for.
I hope you can find your quiet. I hope you can feel your person. Don’t worry if you haven’t gotten there yet. There is a lot of pain and sadness to work through. Keep trying. They are right there, one breath away. 💜