Six years ago today. Two-thousand one-hundred and ninety days.
The day my life was forever changed. I had no idea what adventures (or misadventures) lay ahead. All I knew was that I finally found someone who was excited about me. Finally, someone who wanted to get to know my brain, not just my body.
I was lost, directionless.
You found me.
You gave me purpose. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. You gave me something to focus on until the other pieces of my life could fall together.
Remember how we sat at the restaurant and talked for four hours? I think the only reason we left was because we realized they had been closed for an hour.
I’m at the same restaurant again right now.
You are here, too.
You’re just doing a lot less talking this time around.
You had so many stories, so much to say. Your fire and your passion were like a magnetic pull on me. Once I was within range, I was pulled in forever.
You may not be here physically anymore but I am still attached to you. The pull is still there. I hope it helps us find each other when my time on Earth is done.
As I’m writing this, James Arthur’s “Say You Won’t Let Go” came on in the restaurant. “I want to live with you, even when we’re ghosts because you were always there for me when I needed you most” — that line has always struck a chord with me. I feel you through that verse — every time.
I miss you, J.
I miss the life we dreamed of having – you deserved endless happiness (so did I). You should have had exactly what we wanted. You just couldn’t get out of your own way long enough to see that it was truly possible.
I had to suffer because of that, but I forgive you. It wasn’t your destiny, I guess. And I was just in your life to guide you to your next destination.
I am working on accepting that.
There is another couple sitting where we did what feels like a lifetime ago. I hope that their future is brighter than ours was. More happy moments, less stress, less fear, more compassion.
It’s very strange to be equally mad/angry/upset with you and still love you, still respect what you went through, still miss being in your presence.
I didn’t deserve the way you treated me, but you also didn’t deserve the way many other people treated you.
I know that there was goodness in you. There was warmth and love and an undeniable kindness at your core. I may have been one of the only ones to see it, but I know it was there. I was looking at your soul, sweetheart. And it was so beautiful. It still is, I’m sure.
I cannot wait to see you again, Joshua. But I am stuck here for a while still — so I promise you that I will embrace this life I’ve been given.
I will live fully. I will live — period.
Loving you and losing you have been the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But the joy, the peace and the happiness that both of those things have brought somehow make the pain more tolerable.
I hope that I will continue to learn and grow.
I am working towards becoming the person I was meant to be. You would hardly recognize me.
But if you saw my soul while you were here, too — you would recognize the fire and the passion and the overwhelming love that I also carry.
I love you, Joshua. Until we meet again.