This isn’t how I imagined entering the next decade of my life.
I wasn’t supposed to be going to bed alone. I wasn’t supposed to be waking up alone. I was supposed to wake up to someone who loves me rolling over and saying happy birthday.
I had everything going for me. I was married with a good job and a beautiful house. My husband was supposed to put together a gathering to welcome me into my thirties. I was supposed to be surrounded by friends and family – overwhelmed by all of the love.
I’m not really sure where that fantasy came from, as none of the birthdays spent with my husband were ever quite that “perfect”. In fact, he was in such a bad mental space for my last birthday that he didn’t even acknowledge it. I don’t like telling people that, because then they feel pity or get mad at him. I’ve come to terms with it, he was very sick. It’s just not the memory I would prefer for my last birthday with him.
However, the reality is that my husband is dead. He will never get a chance to redeem himself for ignoring my birthday. He will never plan a gathering with family and friends. He will never go way overboard on a birthday gift.
So, with that in mind, I gratefully and graciously wave goodbye to my twenties. I learned way more than I ever thought I would about way more than I ever thought I could.
But the most important thing that I learned was that I can survive. I can hold on and I can fight and I can heal and I can grow.
I am nowhere near the person I was a year ago. I am glad to see that person is no more. I hope to never come across her again.
My strength, my resilience and my hope for the future are shining through now.
I am so proud of myself for the changes that I have made. I am so proud of myself for simply deciding to live again. I am so proud of myself for finding my voice, for learning to set boundaries, for prioritizing myself and my own wants/needs.
If this is thirty, I welcome it with open arms.
I am who I am because of what I have been through.
And for the first time in my thirty years of existence, I finally love who I am.
Happy Birthday to me.
Best. Gift. Ever.