Today is the first day of September. A month that once held so much happiness.
The cool, crisp morning air a refreshing reprieve from the intense heat of summer.
Schools are starting, filling young minds with endless information.
Leaves begin to change, showing the beauty of nature and that all things must go through a renewal period.
The beginning of harvest and pumpkin related decor sprouting up everywhere.
The sounds of football games being played all throughout the country. Young kids full of so much potential for a great season.
The crossed fingers and whispered wishes of hope for a slightly extended summer.
My wedding day.
When we decided to get married and set a date, I couldn’t get September out of my mind. It seemed perfect for so many reasons. Not too hot, not too cold, most people would be back from their summer trips to exotic places. September, to me, always represented hope and happiness.
Now, September is a giant black hole on the calendar.
I feel the cool air and I dread what it represents. Another season lived without him. Another day closer to another anniversary that I never wanted to endure.
September is now host to a wedding day to a man that is no longer living. It also holds that man’s death day. Along with the death day of two of my grandparents.
This is my first year of living through this without Joshua. My second wedding anniversary that will go uncelebrated. My first time reliving the day that a piece of my heart stopped beating and died right along with the greatest love in my life.
I have no idea how I will handle this as I’ve yet to do it. And I know each year will be different.
I have planned to scatter his cremains in undisclosed locations on our anniversary and his death day. I am already overcome with emotion even considering doing that.
I will make it through this month. I will survive. But I will never again love September. It will never again represent hope and happiness.
September is now a month of deep despair, broken hearts and shattered dreams.
To everyone else with significant dates this month, I stand with you. As we hold on to each other through this mess, we can be sure we will make it to October. One day at a time. 💜