What I never knew I always wanted (now that I can’t have it)

A couple of weeks before turning thirty I was hit with “baby fever” – it came on out of nowhere and has been eating away at me ever since. 

In my early 20s I wasn’t sure about whether or not I wanted kids. I leaned closer to the side of not, mostly out of my fears of being inadequate and of completely losing myself in devotion to them. (That should have been an early warning sign of my codependent nature, but I didn’t know anything about that then)

After meeting my husband and choosing to spend the rest of my life with him, we both decided not to have children. He had a son already, I gained a stepson that I love as if he were mine, we were perfectly content with that. 

We both knew that with my husband’s PTSD (even though he wouldn’t admit he suffered from it at the time) it was better not to expand our family. 

Well, now that he is gone, I feel like I have completely lost my chance. I know I am still young enough to eventually meet someone new and have children, but my “biological clock” is telling me that I’m about out of time. 

So with all of those thoughts and emotions floating through me, I’ve compiled a list of things that I never knew I always wanted…now that I don’t have them and/or the opportunity to have them has all but passed:

A family

A home

People to cook and provide for

Someone to talk to at the end of the day

Someone to fight with over what to watch on tv

Someone to cuddle with

Someone to sit on opposite ends of the couch and eat dinner off of our laps with

Kids to raise and teach

Someone to go…anywhere with

Someone to accompany me on my walks and hikes and various explorations 

Someone to cheer on from the sidelines

Someone to cheer me on

A reason to get out of bed in the morning

Something to look forward to

Date nights 

A built-in plus-one to any and all events

Someone to do the chores I hate

A reason to decorate for holidays

I guess, basically, this list is a giant compilation of all of the things that I miss about being part of a team. I miss knowing exactly what he would order at any given restaurant. I miss knowing how he would respond to good or bad news. I miss waiting in the car for ten minutes while he finishes getting ready even though we were supposed to leave twenty minutes ago. I miss laying down at night while he whistles to himself while getting ready for bed. 

I knew him possibly better than I knew myself. 

To have to learn a new person some day feels like such a daunting task. And to learn them even better if/when we create a family seems impossible. 

The hurt. The fear. The loss. 

I am not just grieving the death of my husband. I am grieving the loss of all of these things. All at once. 

So please, be patient with me. I didn’t just lose a person, I lost a future I never even knew I was looking forward to. 

And I’m really not sure how to recover from that. 

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