A day to remember 

Two years ago today it was nearly 90 degrees outside, but we were determined to have an outdoor wedding. Determined to make all of our dreams come true. 

And so we did. 

Then one year later, we were at the most stressful point in our lives and our relationship. We were constantly on guard with each other and with the outside world. Anything that could go wrong seemed like it did. We didn’t even celebrate. 

And then four days later, he was gone. Forever. 

So now today, I am left to remember a time when we vowed our unending love for one another. Vowed to cherish and support each other. Exchanged rings, said I do and kissed to seal the deal. 

And all I can think is, how did this go so horribly wrong? And will it ever be right again?

I spent this morning at a spot where we took one of our first pictures together. It was a beautiful morning, unlike the mosquito-infested, steamy hot day it was when the picture was taken. 

The faces were completely unplanned. Back before phones had decent front-facing cameras. This was taken on an actual camera so neither of us knew that the other was being a goof. That was our relationship… we were always in sync with one another, whether we planned to be or not. I picked up on his vibes and he could always see deeper into mine than anyone else I’ve met. 

When I arrived at the little pond this was taken near this morning, I wasn’t sure of my plan. I brought some of his ashes and a beautiful hawk statue his mother gave me. I wanted to share the morning with him. 

I was waiting and waiting for inspiration to hit me. To feel something. I knew that I was meant to be there in that moment. 

And then it happened. A hawk flew across the path in front of me. And right then, I just knew he was with me. And the tears began to flow. 

I played our first dance song and took in the surroundings a while longer then headed off to therapy. 

I cried all through therapy. For the pain I was left. For the unfairness of it all. For the confusion of our last year together. For missing him so badly I could feel it in my soul. 

And then, I got in my car to head to work. And the first song to play was the song I walked down the aisle to. 

Once again, he was with me. I fought for and supported him for a very long time. He was telling me that now it was his turn. He’s got me, whether I want him to or not. 

Again, the tears. Pouring out of my eyes. The pain of losing him and the joy of still having him in my heart combining. 

I’m not sure how I thought today would go. It still hurts. It will always hurt. 

But this time, he showed up. We were a team again. This time, he was lifting me up. 

And I love him all the more for it. 

I’ll end this with part of my vows to him. A poem by Roy Croft called Love:

I love you,

not only for what you are – 

but for what I am

when I am with you.

I love you,

not only for what

you have made of yourself –

but for what

you are making of me.

I love you for

the part of me that you bring out;

I love you for putting your hand

into my heaped-up heart

and passing over

all the foolish, weak things

that you can’t help

dimly seeing there,

and for drawing out into the light

all the beautiful belongings

that no one else had looked

quite far enough to find.

I love you because you

are helping me to make

of the lumber of my life

not a tavern, but a temple.

Out of the works of my every day

not a reproach, but a song.

I love you

because you have done

more than any creed

could have done

to make me good.

And more than any fate

could have done

to make me happy.

You have done it

without a touch

without a word,

without a sign.

You have done it

by being yourself.

I love you, J. 50/50. Always. ❤️

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s