That’s how long I’ve survived without you.
How is that even possible?
Right now, in this moment, I feel like it is day one all over again. The pain is immense and raw.
I feel like I lost an entire year of my life. It just vanished. Similar to the way you vanished. Here one minute, forever gone the next.
I have fought many battles and moved many mountains this past year. But not a single thing that I did means much to me without you here.
You might not believe this, but you were my rock. My steady foundation. The one thing in my life that I fully understood. I don’t know if you were ever able to truly figure me out. I don’t know if anyone has. But I “got” you. And having that brought me so much peace.
Since the minute that the doctor uttered the words, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could.” I have been walking around in a daze. I remember completely aimlessly wandering the hallway of the hospital. And later walking through Walmart with my dad, bumping into things because I just could not be bothered to alter my route.
That’s what life has been like since you’ve been gone. A series of events occurring that I just could not be bothered to prevent. Or enjoy. Or participate in.
Today, I feel like I am nothing without you. All of my hopes. All of my dreams. Gone. All of my accomplishments that you were so quick to tell other people about. Meaningless.
Everybody likes to tell me how strong I am and how wonderful I’m doing, despite it all. You always told me that, too. And sometimes, I believe it.
Then there are moments like this, milestones like today, and I can’t help but wonder what the point of it all is.
I wasn’t really living before I met you. You brought me to life, Joshua. You found a way to make my mundane existence meaningful. Since you left, I’ve been searching for that feeling again. I’ve been looking everywhere for the light that you brought to my life.
I fear that I will never find it again.
I am a different person now, you’d hardly recognize me.
But I hope that if you can see me, that you are proud. I hope that you are still bragging about me to all of your new friends.
I hope that when it’s my turn to leave this Earth, that you are waiting for me wherever we go. And that everyone will say, “It’s so nice to finally meet you, we’ve heard so much about you.”
Because I know you loved me. I know that I was one of only a handful of people in the center of your world. I was one of the lucky ones, being able to see who you were underneath the pain and trauma that life handed you.
I miss you with every breath.
My heart breaks all over again every morning that I wake up without you.
One year and I still don’t believe that you’re gone. This was all just one gigantic, horrible misunderstanding.
But it wasn’t.
Somehow, some way, I will keep fighting to survive.
Tomorrow, I will continue my journey in moving forward.
Today, I’m going to sit right where I am, peacefully appreciating how “far” I’ve come and feeling the heartache that only a profound loss can bring.
I hope that you’ll come sit with me.
Until we meet again. 💜