I am not married anymore

I realize this may not be an overly popular post, but I need to get this out there. 

Yesterday, driving home, I had a very painful realization sink in. 

I am no longer married. 

Of course, logistically, I have known this to be true. 

Since 8:41PM on September 9, 2016, I have legally been a single woman. 

But I still felt married. I still held out hope that this was all a bad dream. I still imagined what our life would be like now if things hadn’t gone so horribly wrong. 

Until yesterday. 

Maybe it was the fact that I’ve decided to stop wearing my rings. 

Maybe it was that I have gotten through all of the firsts (well, besides the “anniversary” of his funeral – which is tomorrow). 

Maybe it is all of the talk about moving forward. And the consistent fighting for awareness for my fellow widows and our struggles as opposed to the constant fight for him and his demons. 

I don’t really know where the realization came from. I don’t know what sparked that thought to burn deeply into my brain while sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. 

But I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am not married anymore. 

I still want to be. But I am not. 

I will always be my late husband’s wife. I will forever be a widow. 

My love for Joshua will never end but my heart is growing and expanding to make room for new love and future happiness. 

I miss being married. I miss the comfort and security of having my best friend waiting for me at home. I miss having someone to love and care for and cook and clean and maintain a beautiful home with. 

My body and my heart and my brain all yearn for these things. It is similar to what I would imagine phantom limb pain to be like. It feels like it is all still there, until I go to bed alone and wake up alone and have nobody to tell about the new and exciting things happening in my life. 

This next step forward is likely to be quite confusing. As I venture into the world as a single woman, yet still find myself picking out clothes and hairstyles that I think my husband would like. 

I feel as though I am contradicting myself with every action and every thought. 

But the one thing I know for certain is that I’m not a married woman anymore. 

It’s the cold and bitter truth. 

But I am learning to let go of that woman. And beginning to embrace this new person who has risen from the ashes of her previous life. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. 

I love the new me. 

But I miss the old me. 

πŸ’œ

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10 thoughts on “I am not married anymore

    1. An added sadness, for sure. It’s so interesting to me how everyone I know widowed around the time that we were seem to be going through very similar things at similar times. I’m grateful to have you guys to relate to and commiserate with, though. πŸ’œ

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It’s so strange, I was married for 36 years. I’m not sure I’d even know how to be single. I do know that attending two weddings in one weekend was the loneliest feeling I’ve had in a long time. I’m no good at this widow gig, I’m a wife, mom & memaw. It’s all I know & love. Miss my high school love, more than words

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is incredibly strange to have a particular identity for so long and then to be thrust into a new one. (Absolutely not comparing the two here…) I had an identity “crisis” when I was no longer a student and had to figure out how to be a fully-functioning adult. This transition, however, has proven to be the most difficult. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sincerely. πŸ’œ

      Like

  2. I loved this post. You captured everything I’ve been feeling since I passed through my own year of firsts. I’m not ready to stop wearing my rings; I have little desire to date, and I have a few issues that make me a less-than-desirable partner (I’m fat, I’m older, and I’m bipolar).

    Oddly, my first coherent thought after my husband breathed his last was “I’m not married anymore. I am a widow.” I guess I accepted it so quickly because I’d been prepared for that moment for three years. He had pancreatic cancer and had been ill for months before he died. So I’d done a lot of anticipatory grieving and I think that made the acceptance process a little shorter.

    You are a very good writer. I hope you’ll consider sharing your gift with a larger audience one day and write a book about your experiences. I’d be first in line to buy a copy. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It makes sense that the realization hit you quite quickly. I would say that I “realized” it in the hospital as well. I believe I even said that words out loud. “I’m a widow now.” And had there been anything in my stomach I may have lost it after that.

      And, of course, logically I have known that I am not married. But for some reason, thoughts like that always solidify themselves at the most random times. And they always catch me completely off guard.

      Take your time. Even if you are never ready to stop wearing the rings or start dating again, as long as you are trying to live your best life possible then you are doing just fine.

      Thank you so much for such a wonderful compliment. I’m not sure that my story is book-worthy. But the idea has been discussed a few times. ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel like we share a brain! I grasped everything, really early on, and many people were surprised by it. I am, currently involved with a man, who is absolutely amazing! I know not where this will lead, nor Do I wish to know. I am riding the waves of life.

    I remember when I came to the realization that I am “technically” single! I hadn’t been single in nearly 17 years. And I am only 34. It was so overwhelming. I had no idea what I was going to do. Being single in your thirties is weird! Everyone keeps saying to me “It is going to be so hard to find a normal, worthy person, because guys who are still single in their 30s are single for a reason!” πŸ™„ Encouraging… (dripping… oozing with sarcasm)
    But, that thought, initially, had me weak in the knees, terrified. “How do you date? What are these dating sites? Holy crap! That site is solely for HOOKUPS! Really?!”

    The pain of the healing heart is one that surprised me. Coming to the realization that I wanted to love and be loved again hurt, so bad. I cried from the time I got home from work, until I fell asleep, that night. Ugh! I’ll stop now! I feel like I just blogged on your comment section. Lol! Sorry love! You are an extraordinary human! I’m going to keep reading. I’m obsessed, now. I want to know more of your story!

    Like

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