I realize this may not be an overly popular post, but I need to get this out there.
Yesterday, driving home, I had a very painful realization sink in.
I am no longer married.
Of course, logistically, I have known this to be true.
Since 8:41PM on September 9, 2016, I have legally been a single woman.
But I still felt married. I still held out hope that this was all a bad dream. I still imagined what our life would be like now if things hadn’t gone so horribly wrong.
Maybe it was the fact that I’ve decided to stop wearing my rings.
Maybe it was that I have gotten through all of the firsts (well, besides the “anniversary” of his funeral – which is tomorrow).
Maybe it is all of the talk about moving forward. And the consistent fighting for awareness for my fellow widows and our struggles as opposed to the constant fight for him and his demons.
I don’t really know where the realization came from. I don’t know what sparked that thought to burn deeply into my brain while sitting in bumper to bumper traffic.
But I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am not married anymore.
I still want to be. But I am not.
I will always be my late husband’s wife. I will forever be a widow.
My love for Joshua will never end but my heart is growing and expanding to make room for new love and future happiness.
I miss being married. I miss the comfort and security of having my best friend waiting for me at home. I miss having someone to love and care for and cook and clean and maintain a beautiful home with.
My body and my heart and my brain all yearn for these things. It is similar to what I would imagine phantom limb pain to be like. It feels like it is all still there, until I go to bed alone and wake up alone and have nobody to tell about the new and exciting things happening in my life.
This next step forward is likely to be quite confusing. As I venture into the world as a single woman, yet still find myself picking out clothes and hairstyles that I think my husband would like.
I feel as though I am contradicting myself with every action and every thought.
But the one thing I know for certain is that I’m not a married woman anymore.
It’s the cold and bitter truth.
But I am learning to let go of that woman. And beginning to embrace this new person who has risen from the ashes of her previous life. I hardly even recognize myself anymore.
I love the new me.
But I miss the old me.