Lately I have found myself in a pretty uncomfortable place.
I have become a spectator to my own life.It is taking every ounce of my energy to even participate enough to qualify as “just getting by”.
And, to be completely honest, I just do not care.
I know that I should be doing (insert various assortment of life necessities here), but I just do not want to. And so I don’t.
I’ll be honest; it took me about four days to work up the energy to wash my hair. I have been wearing less than clean clothes because I don’t want to do laundry. I have eaten fast food more often than not because the idea of preparing a meal is just too much.
And I hold a deep judgment against myself for not doing what I am “supposed to” (who decides what we are supposed to do, anyway?). I quite honestly have a profound hatred for myself when I get “stuck” in this place.
The following words come to mind: lazy, slacker, worthless, stupid, fat, dumb, waste of space.
And that’s me being polite.
That is also part of what keeps me in this place. Judgment. Pain. Drastically low self-worth.
But if I try to pull myself out of it and I fail, then what? Then I am proving all of those judgments true. Then I am confirming that I am a lazy, slacking, worthless, stupid, fat and dumb waste of space.
And nobody wants to feel that way about themselves, but they especially don’t want to be proven correct.
And so I sit. And I do not do. I try to absorb myself into the couch. I go to bed as soon as can be deemed “reasonable” without being “pathetic”. I pretend to read, but I am just staring at the same page for hours. I pretend to watch television, but I am drifting in and out of dreamland. I pretend to have meaningful, interactive conversations with others. But they can always tell that something is off.
I am not me.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what has consumed me. But I have willingly succumbed to it.
I am drifting. I am slugging through deep and cold mud. I am sluggishly scooting forward. And sideways. And backwards.
I am existing.
And I hope to come back to life soon.