Do not judge that which you do not understand 

Since losing my husband, I have been going through a sort of rebirth. 

I have been trying on different hats, looking for what best fits the person that I am now. 

I have had some successes. And I have made plenty of errors. 

But I own every single one of them. 

I do not know what all of the pieces of the “new me” look like, so I am experimenting until I can make myself whole again. 

Throughout the past 14 months I have shared bits and pieces of what I am doing with non-widowed people and I have been met with shock and judgment. 

And to be honest with you, it hurts. 

I do not like the looks of disapproval. I do not like the change in their tone of voice or the questioning look in their eye. I do not like the obvious change in the dynamic of the relationship. 

But I will not apologize for how I choose to grieve. And I will not apologize for how I choose to live. 

Until you have lived through trauma, you just won’t understand. And I am okay with that. But not understanding and openly judging are very different things. 

If you don’t understand but would like to, open your mind and ask questions. If you don’t understand and don’t care to, either remain silent or escort yourself right out of my life. 

Judging from the outside looking in is a very dangerous thing to do as well. Because some day, you may find yourself in the same exact place that I am. And you will want to tell people about your journey and you will want them to understand and they will openly judge you. And it will hurt. 

So please, think before you speak. Keep your unwanted opinions to yourself. If I am doing something that will cause me physical harm and threaten my life, please say something. Otherwise, let me live. 

There is a reason that I only share openly of myself within the widowed community. I could hop into one of the groups on social media and write literally anything and be met with understanding and love. 

Try to be like that. Try to be open and loving and hopeful that the person in your life who is grieving will find their way. You might not like the path they choose and you might not like the person they become, but not changing is not an option. Embrace it with them. 

Grieving is hard and painful and confusing. Don’t add your judgment to the pile of garbage that we have to wade through daily. 

8 thoughts on “Do not judge that which you do not understand 

  1. I just clicked on your blog from another site. I still have to read through your blog. I can already tell I will be able to relate to what you have written. You commented on another site that grief made you understand what your husband felt. I totally understand. My husband died at 41 of a “heart attack” on May 31,2017. He was the nicest sweetest funniest most loving soulmate I could ever ask for. I can’t believe the pain and utter complete emptiness I’ve felt these last few months. But one thing nags me so much. My husband suffered from severe anxiety and depression. Several times he tried to explain to me how horrible he always felt. I couldn’t understand. I would tell him yes everyone feels that way but they ride it out until they feel better. I thought he was being weak. He would abuse prescription medication to make himself feel better. He would go overboard and I would become enraged. After he died I realized his phone alarm was set every morning to go off and read “Be strong. Remember Abby and the girls love you.” The girls are our 2 daughters. It breaks my heart so much that he suffered so much. All of a sudden I understand how he must of felt. How he couldn’t control or stop how he felt. It makes this so much harder for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you have found my page and that you have made a personal connection to it. 💜

      It’s very surreal to finally have that “aha” moment when everything just clicks. And heartbreaking too…to understand just how much pain he was in.

      But he fought and he tried and he wanted to do right by you and your daughters because he loved you guys. And I hope, some day, you will be able to see and feel that in your heart.

      We can only truly understand what we have experienced. You did the best you could, please don’t beat yourself up too much about it. 💜


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