I’m about to admit something that I have a very hard time saying out loud.
Are you ready?
When my husband died, along with the shock of loss, came a sense of relief.
That’s right folks, I said it. When my husband died, a part of me was relieved.
You see, our life together was extremely tumultuous. There had always been rocky roads for us to navigate, but the last nine months of his life were the worst nine months for both of us.
He was up against some very serious criminal charges, trying to maintain his sobriety and work on his recovery despite every obstacle showing up to sway him, trying to finish an associate’s degree and sell our house and purchase a new one.
The word stress doesn’t even begin to explain it.
I was not living my own life; I was living every day trying to keep things rolling in the right direction. I woke up every morning with the sole intention of making his life easier.
In the blink of an eye, all of the stress was gone. None of it mattered anymore. He was no longer here. I didn’t have to fight to keep him alive. That battle was lost.
And. I. Felt. Relief.
It’s frowned upon to talk about. And to admit. But I know I am not alone. I know that there are many others who were in similarly rocky relationships. And those who watched their person be taken by a long-term illness.
And I know they felt a sense of relief as well.
And we can pretty it up by saying that we are glad they are no longer suffering. Because it’s true.
But it’s important to acknowledge that we are also glad that WE are no longer suffering. At least not in the same way.
It’s okay to admit. It’s okay to talk about. It’s okay to be relieved when someone you love passes away.
I would live the same life with my husband all over again. A million times. Because he taught me so many things in our short time together. And the lessons that I taught his soul before it moved on to it’s next path were part of my life’s purpose.
But I am relieved to have a much less stressful life now.
Judge me if you want to, but I am owning my truth.
And I hope that you will, too.